3 Ways To Change Your Partner
“If only my partner would change this one thing, then we’d be alright!”.
I cannot begin to count how many times I have heard a client say this to me. And yes, I’ve thought it too.
So what’s it about?
Do we just have to accept, tolerate, settle and put on a brave face?
Or can we get our partner to change?
The black and white reply is that no, you cannot get someone to change especially not if it’s against their will.
And maybe you have tried all sorts of reasoning, pleading and maybe even covert (or overt!) manipulation to save your relationship (and peace of mind).
So what do you do if there’s something you don’t feel like you can live with but you also don’t want to break up your relationship and start over?
I have 3 suggestions you may want to try out and work through.
Be honest.
Get very clear about what bothers you and what you want instead.
Then have a calm and neutral conversation to explain how what your partner does or doesn’t do affects you and what you are hoping to experience instead.
Own your experience.
Avoid being critical, making accusations or blaming them for your feelings.
Whatever it is that they’re doing or not doing that is bothering you do some shadow work around that and check in with yourself:
- Where do you behave in that way and why?
- Why is this bothering you so much? Does it remind you of anything you’ve experienced in the past?
- How can you be or do more of what you wish your partner was doing?
- Is this something that can exclusively come from your partner or can you draw on different sources?
Change the dynamic.
Whenever there is something that our partner does or doesn’t do that bothers us, there is a logical counter-response to this.
Knowing what you do that gives space to your partner’s undesirable behaviour is key in changing your dynamics.
This can be tricky to spot and usually needs professional one-to-one support (message me if you want to work with me).
Remember that another human being is not within your zone of control and that it is not loving or respectful to try and change someone in order to feel more pleased by them.
(Obviously, we need to discern whether it is an annoying habit or an unhealthy or even toxic trait that impacts you negatively.)
So be very honest with yourself and check whether this is actually the person you want to be in a relationship with. This can be a hard truth to face but it is inevitable.
