Are We Done?
When It Feels Like Your Relationship Has Come To An End
It’s a desperate feeling when you can’t think of a way to fix your relationship.
You’ve tried so hard. You’ve tried so much. And still, you and your partner just can’t see eye to eye.
Every time you try to talk it turns into yet another argument.
You feel more distant and alone every time you try to connect. How can this be!?
You both say you want to be in this relationship so why can’t you make it work?
Let’s see …
You are not emotionally safe for each other.
Without emotional safety, nothing works.
If you criticise, judge or invalidate each other, you’re not safe for each other to open up to.
You need to focus on listening and validating instead of trying to be heard or proving that you’re right.
Stop finding fault with your partner and appreciate their positive traits and contributions.
Focus on being safe for each other so you can both open up more and connect more deeply.
You don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Instead, you are accusing and blaming each other and thereby taking opposing positions which means you’re now seeing each other as enemies.
This stops you from solving problems and strengthening your relationship because you’re not united and treating each other as a threat. This puts you in survival mode (fight or flight).
You try to change your partner.
Love is about accepting each other and focusing on each other’s strength, not getting obsessed with trying to change aspects of your partner you wish were different.
There is a big difference between feeling annoyed by your partner’s behaviours and feeling annoyed by who they are.
It’s important not to make behaviours that annoy you mean something negative about your partner’s personality.
The second you stoop to the level of character assassination you destroy both emotional safety and goodwill.
You misinterpret things through the lens of fear.
Instead of being neutral about why your partner does what they do, you interpret it in such a way that confirms your fears.
Then you argue. But it doesn’t go anywhere.
Because one partner accuses while the other defends.
Different versions of reality. Different stories created by minds in survival mode.
This is where you need to elevate beyond the pattern and dig deeper:
Why are your deepest fears?
What are you trying to avoid?
What filters are you seeing things through?
Rejection? Abandonment? Unworthiness?
Or maybe injustice or entitlement?
You don’t listen.
When you listen, you show that you care.
When you don’t, your partner cannot feel heard or seen or safe to open up to you.
Arguments get out of hand when we refuse to listen to each other and begin to talk at each other.
The more we do so, the more we frustrate each other, escalate and lash out.
This creates deep ruptures that can be difficult to recover from.
Before you learn to leave, learn to listen.
You are not kind.
We need to be kind to each other. We need gentleness, warmth and understanding.
If you are harsh when your partner opens up to you, you’ll hurt them more deeply.
If you are not careful with your partner’s feelings, you’ll lose their trust.
If you complain about every little thing that annoys you, how can your partner feel that you prioritise your overall relationship experience over your own preferences?
We need to be a lot kinder if we want to sustain emotionally healthy, loving and secure relationships.
Because kindness nourishes and strengthens. It’s the lifeblood of relationships.
You have a confrontational attitude.
In a healthy relationship, partners are on the same side. This allows them to unite against problems, solve them and feel united and bonded.
If every time you feel uncomfortable or have a problem and then blame your partner for it or accuse them of contributing to your negative experience, you make them your enemy.
With that energetic shift, you are no longer safe for each other. It’s an immediate disconnect, loss of goodwill and breach of trust.
Notice when you shift into accusatory mode. Notice when you make your partner responsible for how you perceive things, feel or react.
This is where your inner growth and self-regulation come in.
You let your insecurities control you.
We all have insecurities. How we handle them makes all the difference.
Too many of us try to control our partner so we don’t feel insecure.
But insecurity is an inner problem that requires an inner solution.
Just think about this: you can be in a relationship with different people but you bring your insecurities and triggers into each relationship. You feel them no matter who you are with. So how can you blame the other person for what is going on inside of you?
That’s why being controlling in relationships does nothing but damage and stops you from healing, growing and developing more emotional maturity.
What You Need To Know
No one was born with perfect relationship skills.
I think it’s safe to say that most of us were deprived of being taught and modelled healthy and functional relationship skills.
And there is no shame in that. We are here to learn and grow.
The question is what you are going to do about it now.
Are you going to stay stuck in the same destructive relationship cycles, feeding your toxic shame and never feeling truly safe, secure and settled in your romantic relationship?
Are you going to suck it up and stay in a relationship that doesn’t really work for you because it feels like the easiest option?
Are you going to leave and try again with another person only to encounter the same problem time and time again?
Or are you going to get ok with not knowing it all so you can open up to learning and unlearning whatever it is that stands in your way of giving and receiving love in an adult relationship?
Because that’s what I’m trying to do. It feels like the most empowering option.
I do not want to be held hostage by my patterns and my past.
I do not want to stand in my own way anymore.
I do not want to tolerate bad behaviours because I fear conflict.
I do not want to make myself insignificant because I struggle to override my codependent and people-pleasing tendencies.
I do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past.
And so, I have to accept my limitations.
Because that’s what it takes to move forward and create the change I actually want to make happen.
You are not alone in this.
Let’s do it together.
With Love, Marlena
