Are You A Relationship Overperformer?
A what? Come on Marlena … what’s up with all the new words?!
I know, I know. I like new words and terms.
But I do think this one REALLY fits!
Let me explain:
Setting up this business means having to learn A LOT of new stuff I have never come across. It kinda feels like I spent the last 10 years training to become a psychotherapist and just as I am as highly qualified as possible, I am starting all over with something new (business!).
But anyway, it’s really cool and I love it because I love to learn! But what I love the most about my new business is that I have to really get the people I want to work with.
That means narrowing down on what they struggle with, what they want and what stops them from making the changes they wish to see.
It also means knowing who will get the best results from working with me.
And for me, that’s a client who is a relationship overperformer.
It’s the person who
- does all the heavy lifting in their (usually one-sided) relationships
- takes excessive responsibility for everyone’s problems, happiness and wellbeing
- desperately tries to make everyone happy even at their own expense
- tries to fix everyone’s problems for them
- puts most of the work into their relationship
- struggles to set boundaries because they hate conflict and tension
- can’t say no because they are overly kind and caring and would feel too guilty if they did
- is unclear about what is and what isn’t their responsibility
- drains themselves by prioritising everyone but themselves
- is used to taking on too much and juggling a thousand plates
- is quite tough (on the outside!) and willing to put in the work but secretly craves support
- is open to feedback and constructive criticism and will use it to improve
- tolerates too much and is extremely loyal and forgiving
- forgets that they matter too
- is really sensitive deep inside but was brought up to pull themselves together
- bottles up their feelings to avoid annoying or inconveniencing other people
- goes without what they want or need because they’re used to it
- don’t ask for help to avoid putting others out
- can’t stand disappointing others
- feels selfish for doing things for themselves and so don’t
- avoids representing themselves in their relationships because they don’t want to inconvenience anyone or have anyone lose out because of them
There’s more but I think this describes the relationship overperformer pretty well.
Do you know someone like that?
Does this resonate with you?
Do you see yourself in this description?
If so, the good news is that relationship overperformers have the best chances to create the most amazing relationships.
They have the PERFECT attitude to heal, grow and thrive in their lives and relationships because they are used to doing the work.
And because they already have the skills, what usually stops them from being in a mutually loving, respectful and supportive relationship is mindset blocks.
The things they were taught as children don’t help them to be healthy and happy in their adult relationships.
While in every other area of life overperforming leads to overachieving, in relationships it leads to under-receiving and sets the foundation for an unhealthy, imbalanced dynamic.
There doesn’t have to be any malice involved. We naturally settle into dynamics and so if someone goes above and beyond to ‘serve’ us, we will slip into the role of recipient with great delight. It’s a childhood dream come true, right?
BUT it doesn’t work in adult relationships and I am sure you can see why: it elicits a parent-child dynamic.
So what relationship overperformers have to address is their relationship mindset.
It’s about learning that they have matter too — and that that is not up for debate or for someone else to decide.
Oooohhh … yes I can sense the discomfort that might bring up for you. I struggled with this for a long time.
For me, it just felt so uncomfortably wrong to make myself matter. It also went against my dream of someone making me matter. I saw it as evidence for being lovable.
Because if I had to ‘demand’ it, it wasn’t real or honest. It didn’t count, right?
No. Wrong.
This is a mind-game we need to stop playing.
Healthy, conscious relationships thrive on honest, open and direct communication.
Just because we ask for something doesn’t mean that what we get is now somehow devalued or tainted. It is still as meaningful and honest as if we hadn’t asked for it.
People aren’t mindreader and having a powerful relationship mindset, we know this. We don’t make it mean anything negative about ourselves.
It’s healthy to express ourselves and to ask for what we want. We simplify our relationship and make it easy for our partner to love us in a way that feels good for us.
Sadly, this is something most relationship overperformers struggle with: asking for what they want, receiving, being supported, being open, being loved.
It just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel safe.
After all, we were taught that our worth in relationships comes from providing something to someone else. We, on our own, are simply not enough.
And so relationship overperformers first need to learn to feel safe being with others again without having to perform or provide for them.
This is REALLY difficult without challenging old beliefs and adopting and internalising new, empowering beliefs about our role in relationships.
In my work with clients, I use a powerful mindset-shifting technique that uses the Cycle of Conscious Choice.
First, we identify unconscious beliefs that cause problems in our relationships and eventually wreck them. Once we have done that, I contrast these outdated and unhealthy relationship beliefs with what is actually healthy.
Here logic is key.
It has to make sense. If it doesn’t, we’ll just dismiss it.
That’s where the Powerful Relationship Mindset comes in.
I have designed my 10-day intensive to teach you about what is healthy and why it is good for you, your partner and your relationship based on what you want: emotional connection, true intimacy and real love.
In order to get the amazing relationship we want to have, we need to develop a mindset that allows us to become a healthy equal in all our relationships — romantic and non-romantic.
You need to matter. It simply can’t work any other way.
Without a powerful relationship mindset, you will remain trapped in unhealthy relationships trying to please your partner and eventually growing resentful because you’re the only one putting effort in.
It is time for you to learn what is healthy and necessary for a relationship to work for both partners. And it doesn’t mean that you’ll have to be selfish or mean.
It’s a new way of loving.
Loving two people in healthy ways at the same time: you and your partner.
And with this kind of love, you reap the rewards you have always longed for: being seen, heard, appreciated, supported and loved.
Knowing that you matter too. Trusting that your partner truly loves you. Feeling safe, settled and relaxed.
All of that is possible for you too — with a powerful relationship mindset.
I’d love for you to join me and so many others who have already signed up to develop your powerful relationship mindset.
It’s a 10 day intensive starting on November 9th for an unbelievably special birthday price of $40 (instead of $297).
You will receive a new daily training during the week, apply it to your own life and share your experiences in a private community.
It’s going to be an incredible experience and I would love for you to join us.
Find out more and join at www.successfulin.love/mindset
Would LOVE for you to join my special birthday celebration while getting a mindset that helps you thrive in your relationships.
(See, we both benefit … that’s a healthy relationship)
With Love
Marlena
