What Determines How Healthy and Happy My Relationship Is?
Is it luck?
No.
Is it fate?
No.
Is it my communication style?
No.
Is it my partner?
Not quite.
Come on, Marlena. What is it?
It’s your relationship mindset.
My what?!
Your relationship mindset determines how happy and healthy your relationship is.
I am doomed then because I don’t have a clue what that is!
I can reassure you that you’re most definitely NOT doomed.
But maybe there is something you’ve got to learn …
Relationship mindset is a term that describes what you believe to be true about relationships. It consists of your relationship expectations, the standards you set, the choices you make and the role you take on.
It may look like your experiences in relationships are caused by your partner and situations outside of you but the truth is that whatever you believe to be true is what you will create.
What You Believe About Relationships Creates Your Relationship Reality
Let me explain:
Your parents teach you how to be in relationships and you take those patterns with you into your adult relationships.
(That doesn’t sound promising, does it?)
So if your parents teach you to be obedient, suppress your feelings, don’t ask for what you want and to be the good child, they teach you to take on a passive role in relationships.
You’ll naturally slip into that role as an adult and choose what your partner wants. You’ll focus on them while quietly growing resentful that they selfishly take and take and take without considering you. You’ll bottle up your feelings because you don’t want to argue. Soon disappointment, frustration and depression take over …
You may figure out that you should be more assertive, ask for what you want, say no or set boundaries but it doesn’t matter. You just can’t do it. Not because you’re stupid or weak. But because it goes against what you believe to be true.
Your relationship mindset needs an update!
But it’s not as easy as saying, “Oh ok. I didn’t know … I’m just going to start setting boundaries now.”
Yes, we’d love that! Just doesn’t work that way.
It’s scary to go against core beliefs and patterns that kept us safe as children.
And so, what we need is deep inner change work: we need to address our mostly unconscious core beliefs.
First, we need to identify what we believe.
Almost everything thinks they know but I find that the majority of what we believe is hidden from us. This has been my personal experience and I have experienced this with every single one of my private clients.
So, we need to get busy finding out! I love to support my clients with this in our sessions but I also have a process that I teach my students on my courses.
Next, we identify our patterns.
When we struggle to uncover beliefs, we need to work our way backwards. We go from the problems we are faces with to the choices we make and finally to the beliefs that inform our choices.
It’s one of the techniques I teach that my students LOVE because of how much sense it makes. It’s also very empowering because finally you understand what really causes your problems.
Then, we question whether our belief is even true.
What?!
Yes!
Most of what we believe isn’t just unhelpful, it’s mostly untrue too! So why keep it going?!
When you have a tough that distresses you, get closer. Take a look. Ask if it’s even true. I bet you it isn’t.
If it looks true, it’s because your perspective isn’t wide enough (and that’s natural for us all which is why we have therapists, coaches and mentors who highlight these blindspots to us!).
Last, we adopt a believe that’s helpful, loving and empowering.
Beliefs shift easily when a better, more logical, practical and empowering belief replaces it.
And that’s when habits change … when relationships improve.
It’s powerful, life-changing work which has not only saved and improved my relationship more than I could have ever anticipated but has also done the same for so many of my clients.
For that reason, I want to share it with as many people as possible!
I invite you to check out my super-successful ‘Powerful Relationship Mindset’ course at www.successfulin.love/mindset to see if this is something that would help you in your life.
With Love
Marlena
