Why Codependent Relationships Don’t Work
In codependent relationships, we believe that everyone has to sacrifice themselves to provide someone else with something that they want or need.
It is a relationship model that is purely based on keeping things the same and sacrificing yourself to do so.
What this requires is:
- Dismissing what you want to need while prioritising what others want to need
- Trying to manage other people’s moods while controlling yours through emotional inhibition and suppression
- Denying that there are any problems and playing happy families anyway
- Not communicating any real feelings, wants or needs or setting any boundaries with others to protecting your wellbeing, energy, resources, time and peace of mind
- Sacrificing your goals and dreams in life because you feel obliged to serve others to be seen as a good person at the expense authentic self-Expression and your personal development and evolution
- Bolstering a weak sense of self and lack of confidence with other people’s approval, praise and validation through people-pleasing, walking on eggshells and pretending to be happy and easy-going
(This isn’t an extensive list by any means!)
When we are committed to the codependent relationship model, anything healthy will trigger us and we will strongly oppose it and fight against it.
This means that
- A partner who is encouraged to become more independent and self-sufficient will come up with multitude of excuses (that sound reasonable) as to why that is not a good idea, is not convenient or possible at this point in time.
- A partner who is called out for being overly argumentative, angry, irritable or moody will also find reasons for why that is not possible by only focusing on anything that isn’t how they think it should be or anything that annoys them or makes them uncomfortable.
- A partner who doesn’t want to communicate clearly or assertively will also find reasons for why that’s not possible for them because maybe they find their partner too intimidating or too self-assured.
- Someone whose partner complains about a lack of emotional, physical or sexual intimacy will also come up with excuses about why that is not something they’re able to help their partner co-create or why that’s simply not possible or realistic.
The codependent relationship system is built on excuses for why someone cannot change, grow and create healthy adult (!!!) relationships that meet everyone’s needs in healthy, balanced, reciprocal and varied ways.
Codependent relationships have traits of parent and child dynamics in which one partner over-performs in one area while the other one chronically underperforms and so forces the over-performer to make up for a lack of effort, input and contribution.
The over-performer is usually required to ‘ shut up and put up’ and to settle for something that they don’t want and that doesn’t meet their healthy needs for connection, intimacy and belonging.
This leads to resentment and stifled growth for both partners even though one partner is usually ‘happy’ about this because they can maintain the fantasy of ‘the codependent dream’.
Codependent under-performers are usually very good at providing excuses for why they cannot change or should not change or should not be expected to ‘grow up’ to meet their adult responsibilities.
No one can be shamed into healing and growth.
That is a choice that everyone has to make for themselves.
Unfortunately, many people who are entrenched in codependent habits and patterns refuse to accept that there is anything wrong with how they are choosing to live their lives because so many people around them make the same unhealthy choices and so this dysfunctional belief system about what relationships are supposed to be like becomes externally reinforced despite the damage it creates.
Too often, the under performers then have to face the harsh consequences of clinging on to the codependent way of living such as their partner leaving them (maybe for someone else), other relationships breaking down or even becoming physically ill due to the unhealthy relational lifestyle they keep exposing themselves and others to that causes a lot of stress and emotional, physical and energetic dysregulation.
If you can relate to any of this, please do not worry.
I want you to know that you can break free from codependency and create healthier relationships with people who respect you and who you respect enough to not force each other into a position of having to sacrifice yourselves, your truth, your power, your needs, your preferences or your relationship vision and life goals.
Someone who truly loves you won’t ask you to
- abandon yourself
- lose yourself in the relationship so they can dominate and get more of what they want
- guilt-trip you into giving them more than you feel comfortable with
- diminish your growth and stop yourself from healing, growing, learning and evolving as an autonomous individual
- stifle your self-expression
- force you to walk on eggshells because they refuse to take responsibility for their feelings and moods and for managing them
If they do, make them aware of it. We all have ‘bad’ habits — this doesn’t make anyone toxic.
Having others shine a light on what isn’t so good and doesn’t work so well is what allows us to heal and break unhealthy and codependent habits.
That’s when we use our inner healing and growth journey as a portal for relational growth.
We come to realise that
- Love doesn’t mean having to sacrifice yourself to please others and meet their expectations.
- Love allows us to be our most fully expressed selves.
- Love allows us to be free to grow as individuals and as a couple at the same time.
- Love never asks us to compromise our values, integrity, truth and power.
- Love doesn’t want us to play small, stay small or maintain old habits to avoid the discomfort of growth.
- Love motivates us to learn better relational skills such as clearer communication or conflict resolution.
Love doesn’t hurt. Codependency does.
Find out whether this doomed dynamic is breaking your relationship apart and making you wonder whether you should stay or go.
I invite you to join the ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ program at www.epiclove.me/stayorgo
Please message me on Instagram if you want to work with me on a 1–1 basis for a deep dive into the habits that stop you from having a fulfilling, fun and loving relationship and to make positive change happen fast.
With Love, Marlena
