Why Not Setting Boundaries Actually Damages Your Relationship
A lot of my clients come to me because they are experiencing stress in their relationships.
Maybe their father-in-law criticises how they parent.
Maybe their best friend keeps asking to borrow money but never pays it back.
Maybe their work colleague slacks off and they have to work unpaid overtime.
And they don’t want to say anything because they don’t want to fall out.
They don’t want any conflict and they don’t want the other person to feel bad.
It’s a common dilemma and so maybe you can relate to this too. I know that I can.
I used to think that withholding my truth and not setting boundaries was the way to protect my relationships.
I didn’t realise that doing so only meant one thing: that I felt less close to the other person and that I wanted to spend less time with them.
Ultimately, the relationship would deteriorate.
So the very thing I was trying to avoid was the thing that happened because of how I tried to avoid it from happening.
I did not say what was going on for me openly and honestly and so the other person didn’t have a clue.
They didn’t get the opportunity to change anything, to make things better for me.
I deprived them of that opportunity because I didn’t like how it might feel or how they might react.
I didn’t want to damage or lose the relationship but by not addressing what wasn’t working for me I removed any chance of finding a solution, a way that would work for both of us.
I thought that what I was doing was good when reality I created an unhealthy dynamic, a win-lose relationship … from my perspective, they won and got to do what they wanted to do, while I lost.
A win-lose relationship can’t work.
If one person loses, the relationship suffers and so both people lose.
Understanding this has helped me create amazing relationships.
I have learned to make room for my feelings and their reactions and so am able to speak freely.
I respect myself and I trust the other person to handle my truth.
Our relationship feels stronger and more solid because it is built on the reality of what is, not on the fantasy that I’m trying to maintain.
If you want to create amazing relationships with the people you care about the most, share yourself with them.
Give them an opportunity to say yes to improving your relationship together by respecting you and what you have got to say.
