Why Your Partner Might Not Want To Have Sex With You
I see many couples in my psychotherapy practice who struggle to maintain an active sex life.
“She just doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. And when we do it looks like she’s going through the motions.”
That’s one of the most common complaints clients bring to me. And it’s not always the man in the relationship!
The problem with that complaint is that it is a surface symptom and so it can’t be solved by suggesting to have more sex, try different positions or take some tantra classes.
The lack of sex isn’t the problem. Well, it’s not the root cause of not feeling happy in the relationship. It’s a symptom of it.
The true cause always runs deeper, whether we are aware of it or not.
Today, I’d like to share the 3 most common underlying root causes of this problem.
Lack of Emotional Safety & Connection
Like it or not, a human being is a feeling being. Sex and intimacy are all about feelings.
To be open and freely access our feelings, we need to feel safe.
When a partner is judgmental, critical or shaming, there can’t be any emotional safety and even if we try to be brave, pull ourselves together and bottle things up, the absence of emotional safety will emerge in other ways.
Maybe you stop sharing what’s going on for you.
Maybe you hold back more and more.
Maybe you laugh less with your partner.
Maybe you seek out other people or activities.
Maybe you keep super-busy to avoid spending time with your partner.
Or maybe eventually, you can’t bear the idea of having sex with them.
Because sex is about vulnerability.
And when you don’t feel safe with someone, you simply don’t want to open up and be vulnerable with them.
That would require trust and trust requires safety and respect.
So if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, check in with yourself.
Are you judgmental or critical?
Are you emotionally safe for your partner?
Can you allow them to open up to you without you having to criticise, reprimand or make yourself superior in some way?
And if you are the partner with the power libido (convenient excuse, hello!), ask yourself how safe and comfortable you really feel with your partner.
Do you feel accepted for who you are or are there things you hold back because you know that your partner would criticise them or judge you for it?
Does your partner put you down and you maybe don’t realise that’s what’s going on and feeds your low self-esteem?
Check in with yourself.
Enhance your level of self-awareness.
Shame & Inhibition
The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more pleasure you’ll allow yourself.
The more negatively you compare yourself to others, the less comfortable you’ll feel within yourself.
Why?
Because now you’re not emotionally safe for yourself.
Imagine you’re having sex and you see your belly and your inner critic kicks off.
“Just look at your belly! Just look at it! It’s all saggy and wobbly and just not sexy at all. You have let yourself go. Why are you so weak and greedy? There’s no need to eat cake for breakfast!” … and off it goes, the critical and negative voice inside your head that spots everything that could possibly be judged as wrong about you.
Yes, so sometimes you don’t need your partner to be critical and put you down. A lot of the time, you can do that all by yourself.
No wonder sex has become a terrifying experience for you!
This is where the inner work comes in.
Because no matter how much your partner may try to reassure you, you won’t believe them.
You’ll think they’re just saying it to be kind.
The work here lies in taming your inner critic, learning to accept and love your body, rediscovering pleasure, and developing genuine self-confidence.
Then it’s about moving against your inhibitions and reclaiming your right to embrace pleasure and your sexuality … whilst being seen by someone you love.
If this is a problem for your partner, the best thing you can do is to not take it personally and to introduce pleasure in different ways.
Graded exposure is the way to go here because overwhelm will only ever lead to more resistance, contraction and retreating.
This is a challenge for both partners because we need to practice patience, openness and compassion while increasing our distress tolerance, level of confidence and emotional competence which usually doesn’t feel very good and requires effort and discipline.
Prioritising the Mundane
Life is busy.
We all have jobs, chores and maybe kids thrown into the mix.
Then there’s the stuff we want to do but don’t usually have time for.
And then there are the out-of-the-ordinary chores like your annual car service or the dentist appointment.
How do you fit it all in?
And how do you then still find time for intimacy and sex with your partner?
Never mind, the energy for it!
I tell you how …
You make an effort and you prioritise it.
Sorry that I don’t have a sexy and easy solution for you.
The point is that you prioritise what you value.
There will always be bills that need paying and chores that need doing. It’s part of life.
But you can’t fill your life up with that stuff while neglecting everything that actually matters.
And your relationship matters A LOT.
You taking time to nurture that relationship is more important than words could ever convey.
Your hoover is not going to hold your hand when you die. No one is going to praise you for all the ticked-off to-do lists. You won’t even recall the cake you baked for your kid’s 8th birthday.
And yet, you use your life for all that stuff while neglecting to love.
To be present.
To feel connected.
To see and be seen.
To create pleasure, fun and intimacy.
So — harsh truth coming up — get some perspective and prioritise your love life.
Show your partner that you care.
Provide yourself with opportunities to experience connection, fun and pleasure.
Proactively value, nourish and maintain your relationship.
Put some effort into what truly matters.
Love.
If you want to address these or other relationship challenges you experience but want to resolve before it goes too far and have my professional support with it all, please message me on my Instagram account www.instagram.com/lovewithclarity to find out more or check out this section on my website www.epiclove.me/workwithmarlena
With Love, Marlena
